Freaked out

"Appearances Can Be Deceptive"

=====================================================================

Let's have another of my truly random posts.....I am sleepy..very sleepy...loaded with work....lost my Sony Ericsson mobile few hours back.....my ankle swelled up....experiments not working......don't know what to do now....so lets blabber randomly!!!

I wish I was at home now....not because I miss home but because I want to get out of here now. Being conscious hurts me lot....I wish I could stay in a different state of mind...would love to have a totally blank mind or maybe just sleep....maybe that's why people take drugs or alcohol....i would love to be in a drunken state.....

I wish I had more friends here..... discredit is mine...i had not given much effort initially... I feel I have nothing to do as I have too much work to do....I wish I had something better to write....now that many people actually read this, its such an embarrassing post.....but then its a honest reflection of my state of mind

Certain people and interaction makes you think. Its common to realize how you have misjudged someone, sometimes you may also realize that how your own appearance have deceived others (I experience that all the time - People just seem to assume 'things' about me or what I am thinking about them - mostly they are wrong), however worst is when you realize that you aren't capable of things you thought you can do....in other words when "you have managed to deceive yourself".... I like this idea, people who always talk about assesing oneself etc. seems to focus less on this...the point is how would you know that whatever you thought about yourself is true ....when i said before that mostly people's assumptions on me is wrong, that's totally based on my bias; it maybe so that they are right and I am wrong...anyways its difficult but one must try to have a clear realisation of this...I try sometimes.... For me even if I realize that I am not capable of doing a 'bad' thing (which is a good thing after all), I would be upset because I thought I can manage that..... with such realization comes dilemmaa.....and then this dilemma crushes you and you can never be happy with your decision...no perfect decisions here .... What to do....it ain't too bad if you think how bad can things get and how lucky you have been in certain cases...after all "Life's a compromise between best and worst possibilities"

Choices or lack of it.....

"Directionless"

==================================================================

'Taking sides' is probably synonymous to 'the process of survival'. I need not give extreme examples of war, politics, policies, sacrifices etc., just look at yourself, how you grew up, how you have reached here, all your successes and failures, and everything and anything you remember; and you will see how often you have happily or unhappily taken sides. Think more and you will discover that you have taken sides even without knowing. I don't know whether you agree with me, of course, your experiences may differ. So, let me make it more personal so as to avoid all conflicts and disagreements. Yes, I have made my choice, "I won't be making too many generalizations in this post". Lets see how far I succeed.

Looking back, I must say, I have been sucked into the world of choices and decisions early. Decisions which I didn't want to make. Choices which weren't choices at all. Its unfair to say that life would have been better without those decisions and so called choices, probably life would have been much worse. But that doesn't mean that those were justified. However, it is a mistake to speculate on alternatives and how life would have shaped in their presence, I hardly had alternatives. To be fair, I need to confess, with my kind of mind, conscious, judgmental abilities, I am ill-equipped to make choices or take a strong stance. I am your worst team mate in any debate competition. One sided thinking is so difficult for me. With all those situations, exercising a choice seems like loosing out on something. Something which I value. Even if things turn out so well because of such a decision, sooner or later, the dejection of a choice will come back to haunt me. Best thing for me is to probably not to make a choice at all. Let things flow as it is. But letting things flow itself is a decision. Probably there is nothing called taking no side or being neutral. Neutrality is also a side. Variety of people take this side - People who flourish by remaining neutral, hypocrites, people who don't believe in any of the choices, people who are always in dilemma, people who don't want to lose anything, and there can be many more reasons (which I can't think now). In my case I can think of many situations where I can be fitted into one or more of these categories. But now I only want to think about situations which are less guilt-laden (after all this is a more personal post, I can't be too sarcastic and critical!!!).

People who have the upper hand, people who sort of dominates you (people, authorities or anything) gives you a feeling - "You got a situation, You have to change that, We will help you, Here's are your choices, Feel free to exercise your choice." Wow that sounds so good! Lets dissect each statement. "You got a situation" - Is it? or is it that 'You' got yourself into some mess or maybe you achieve something by changing my situation (something can be mental pleasure or pleasure of authority). or may be yes I am into this situation, but hey, have I asked for your intervention??? "You have to change that" - Ok maybe I am into a mess, maybe I have better opportunities, but do I really want to change it? or maybe I have to change it just because you want it to be changed. Why is it that your suggestions seems like a command? "We will help you" - Thanks, but no thanks. I will certainly ask for your help, when needed. Oh, so if I don't take your help you are going to make this worst, isn't it? Ok then maybe I should take your help. Hey, what kind of help is this? no surely no. I have to? shit. Your help is irreversible isn't it. "Here's are your choices, Feel free to exercise your choice" - Yeah, for some reason I can see only one choice, so technically there's no choice, lets call it fate, fate which you have carefully chosen for me. Ok, sorry, I was being rude, now I can see those choices. Let me take a good look at them. Hmmm. ok. ok. what? Well...ummm...well, why I have to choose one of these? I am sure I can work out to accomodate both. Yes, I can. It is possible. What? I can't? I can , really. oh, so you can't? Authority, ego, ....??? So, what I am I to do? rebel? so that the hands of gods are withdrawn from my head? So, that I am stoned to death? Stoned? how come? I am not in some medieval society. Well, stones made of words which makes your living an impossibilty.
So, in short the choice were the following:-
1) Perish from inside, invisibly but atleast save yourself from social embarrasment and from the rage of the gods upon whom you are dependent.
2) Get burned and stoned. Doesn't matter whether you survive or die. It will feel the same. Held your head high, but only for an instance, for the shame inflicted on you would not let it be so.
translation-
1) Survive like a creep, but no one will know.
2) Die with embarrassment.
Some choices..ha....

Later of course, you are on your own. Now you can make your choices. Now you are the free lion, out of your pride, free, ready to take over something new. But, the damage has already being done. Now you have limited thinking and resources, you have been engineered. The best you can do is to keep the process alive. Take decisions and make choices for things you can dominate. And the wheel keeps moving. Create a whirlpool and it will only suck, what else do you expect?

Surely, I am being melodramatic. But that's done on purpose. How else would I describe all these? without being unreal? If I hold on realities of life, how would I convince you that this is what happenning with me and probably with you too. And you won't feel it because mostly these are inflicted by things you believe and love. All these happen to you when you are too busy with seemingly more important things, things which would not matter to you except for the fact they take away your attention and probably pain. Morphine takes away pain, not the injury. Life's not too dramatic, all these things happen in much subtle ways. Things just happen routinely, invisibly encompassing all these dramatic material, just as if it were normal, just like monsoon every year , sundays, festivals, road accidents, terrorist attack.
Everything is normal, not worth suprising us...atleast me. Its about getting into a habit. A habit - for being helpless, being blackmailed- by whoever capable of - parents, friends, relatives, lovers, bosses, government, terrorists, aliens etc; being able to acknowledge the fact that the choices you have taken are not taken because you wanted them but you were compelled to take them. And once this habit becomes a habit, life becomes easy, you appreciate art, sports and any worthy or unworthy thing which must be appreciated to be accepted. This habit slowly and selectively erases memories. And the haunting day dreams becomes infrequent and hopefully vanishes. And with this you get the habit of saying "Life Rocks".

Getting magnetised

"Tryst of opposites"

===============================================================
Remember when your parents told you "School e sudhu bhalo cheleder sathe bondhutto korbe, baje cheleder sathe ekdom misbena" (In school, make friends only with nice guys, don't mingle with bad guys)...of course, the definitions of good and bad were nicely laid down to you.....in this regard, we kids belonged to two categories - 1) those who followed exactly what was told to them and 2) those who disregarded it....most of us don't exactly know where we belonged coz there were few students who can be 'by definition' be categorised into good or bad, but mostly were the individuals to stand in LoC, and the borderline is so blurred that you can hardly identify which side is your prospective friend......Well, these are really old stories and memories are so fragmented that its even difficult to contemplate those moments...Then why I bring them up?

Well, I was thinking of something else....about the different kinds of ppl we meet now....there is this very irritating type who will always react negatively to good news....some react like this when the news is about others (and not their's) while the other kind specifically reacts like this when its their's but will be surprisingly overjoyed when the news is of someone else's.....The first kind is probably well understood, they are the typical jealous kind, and so I really don't want to discuss them . However, the second kind is more interesting. For me they are quite repulsive, but not for everyone, they are liked by many, in fact, they are quite popular within their circles...and why won't they be....after all when u have achieved something, these 'types' will be the first to congratulate you, they are the ones who will keep giving u superiority complexes....and what happens when u go and give them a good news???? well, u have to listen to all the apprehensions, concerns...which actually gives u an opportunity to chip in with advices, to be the all knowing big brother...and that makes u even happier, the feeling that u did something good and the greatness that brings with it is just ecstatic....so why i don't like them???

Coz I am so conscious about such things that I will always feel and realise (sometimes wrongly too) the person in front of me celebrating my success fakely...all those kind words...whether they mean anything at all.....that's still ok...but the worst is the other part...u go to the person and tell that hey man see u actually did well, u got the interview call, congrats....bcoz the sucker had told you earlier that there's not even 1% chance of his getting there, now he has to justify himself...so now he reacts..."oh really, well well i think these ppl randomly call ppl for interviews, what a shame, if I can get anybody can get. Its just an accident. Now still the interviews are left. No chance. It would be an embarrasment and waste of time & money to go there. lets see what to do. Don't spread the news. ok?" after this you are expected to boost the person. Tell good things about him..and keep on blah blahing.....I simply can't do it..maybe i start a bit but to continue...takes a lot out of me.....I guess maybe with girls I can linger it a bit more!!! And then there are tough nuts to crack..those who will start telling u "how do u know? what makes u believe in me??? i would know better how bad was the exam, isn't it???" well, then sometimes u feel that u did a crime...why in the first place I discussed it? And if u leave without a single word, then u feel guilty...u think " I should have consoled the poor chap. He is in lots of pressure, I should be more responsible...I am so unsocial..etc etc etc...." and if u keep on lingering around such ppl, u get the idea that this is the proper way to react, all sucessful ppl do that....which at this moment I disagree, I guess there are better ways..... U will also find really good achievers who will talk like as if they are the worst...in whatever they excel, they want us to believe that they dnt have the talent for it...well, some ppl say its just a way for them to be nice and not arrogant...i feel actually if u keep on behaving like this, its more arrogant coz u r making the other person feel that without any effort u can reach great heights and as if u have the 'inborn' talent to excel...of course on the other hand if u blabber too much then u wud be a laughing stock.....probably thats why ppl who think they can't strike the right balance move to the "I don't know how it happened" side.....

Now let us turn back...its time to justify why I evoked our parent's teaching at the beginning...Its more to do with why I find the above mentioned ppl repulsive and its also a lot to do with the idea of company...company of ppl, as in companionship etc....it also has to do with magnetism and temporary and permanent magnets!!!!!
Why were our parents so concerned? Coz at that age, we were are so malleable that we can become like all those 'bad' kids and move in the wrong direction...but what about this age, aren't we malleable now? probably not as much as those times, but nevertheless, I believe that we aren't immune to the effects of company....the ppl we interact with can really change us, mold us a little, not too much may be...in ways which is difficult to perceive in short interval of time but can show effects after long and chronic exposure of such company!!! To cut a long story short, positive ppl can still make u like them and same goes for negative company....so what happens if u keep on interacting with all these pessimists around??? would u lose urself or would u be able to change them??? so how u know that ur noble intentions of 'being a friend in need' or 'being there when it matters' is actually helping ur friend rather than harming urself??? difficult decision...Once (maybe 8 yrs ago) a person told me how optimist and positive ppl are like magnets...and all other ppl have this ability to be magnetised...when magnets interacts with them they also get magnetised and with good enough interaction, they themselves can be magnets...then came the word of caution - if u are just magnetised, u are like a temporary magnet, u need to be a permanent magnet...if u at this point try to convert someone to a magnet, u urself will lose ur magnetic properties...first be the permanent magnet and then think of changing the world....i must say I was very impressed with this analogy, not because I understood the depth but because it sounded so nice...however, now I have been appreciating those words more in its right spirit....I don't believe that I am a sort of permanent magnet, and not only that, I also believe not everybody is worth helping and advising to...these ppl actually want to say more than listen....and by saying all this awful things about themselves (using irritating {for me} terminology) they just want more sympathy...its just a habit....a habit with has formed coz ppl accepted that behavior....yes, an impact of the company...so when u, inspite of being irritated, show ur compassion, u actually encourage them to do so......the worst part is that they maybe be ur friends, parents, relatives, lovers and ppl whom u really care and can't avoid....apart from saving my 'magnetic' properties, i don't want to encourage them to act like that and that's probably my way of helping them...atleast I don't want to blame myself for being part of a company which led someone to hit the turf hard....even though its weird, but somehow its true that "You talk like a loser, and loser will you be, talk about winning, atleast you will know how to win" But I also believe that to decide whether a company is good or bad for u, u need to spend time there to decide for urself...u need to work hard to make ur own set of 'definition' rather than follow the conventional ones....

Virtue of the virtueless

Mundane yet beautiful

(Hoping the sentences below uttered by my keyboard will justify this pic and the caption)

============================================================================
being original is such a great virtue...praiseworthy.....no doubts about that.....when u r original, ur the leader, something u can and should be proud of......but does mimicking or copying as bad as it sounds???? isn't it that all the greatness of being human, all our achievments dependent upon both leaders and followers......we achieved all these bcoz some us had some original idea and others were good at copying and implementing it......that's the whole point of cultural transmission...
Whats the point if everybody starts to display uniqueness, originality.....everything fails....today u design a car and everyone else tries to do it differently......u discover how to harness fire and everybody starts trying differently....so in such a society where everybody is so unique and original, which are such great virtues, how can things progress....i guess having too much virtue kills the flavor of the virtue.......

so whats the point of complaining about originality all the time and to be honest most of us who do fantastic stuff, which are seemingly original are examples of nice and indirect copying....instead of directly copying something, u just keep on taking some ideas from from different works and at the end u just blend them intelligently....some originality!!!! and i am not saying all of it is done consciously... probably sometimes u r conscious but mostly not.....but whats wrong with that....it is impossible to consciously know everything you copy...the mind has developed for years, taking in so much with more experiences...it is such a sink....it takes everything........whatever is near it, whatever it can perceive and whatever that is not near it, which it wants to perceive....if u r searching for black holes, here it is..except for it is neither a hole nor black.....but it takes in everything it perceives.... such insatiable hunger it has, feeding on everything it is fed...fed by the senses...it eats and eats...even when u sleep..it eats...it needs to eat....it makes u what u r.....with so much inside it, it dictates u do to something....show some originality....and when u do that how would you know that whatever u r displaying is not just ur mind puking....where u get the whole blend of things which has been stuffed in ur mind......

Isn't following, copying and puking the blended stuff also a virtue on its own.....i don't know whether its even a greater virtue than originality...surely not....but whats the value of being original if u r not followed.....what kind of leader wud u be without followers...surely its much romantic to lead, to think how original u r and how pathetic are other who just copy u and follow u....beware my friend, if the world didn't have the virtues of following, ur honeymoon won't even had started......every revolution and every change has been brought by those who knew when and whom to follow....many keep grumbling about how every tom dick and harry just follows with no mind of their own, so what are they supposed to do...if they listen to u, then they are following u...what's the difference??? u are grumbling coz they aren't following u!!! not that u want every body to be leaders....so dont have such illusions...its ok if u want to fool others but be careful bcoz u may fool even urself....know the truth, understand urself and then go on ur grand tour of fooling others...probably this way u can do a better job....

hey, i am no way undermining the value of leaders and the torch holders of originality, but empasizing how under-rated is the virtue of copying and following, in fact I doubt whether we even consider it as a virtue......progress needs both, in fact more followers than leaders....and thats what we see isnt it...no wonder we had progressed a lot....and look how much painstakingly we have ensured that ppl keep following until a new and better idea takes over it...what pains??? all this writing, books, recording, CD, DVD, Terabyte harddisc, youtube.......u can refer to things of past and learn....
Still following seems to be such a virtueless stuff...well, if you look around, u would see that often it is such that we keep on dismissing those virtues which have made us what we are....those virtues which seems so mundane....so common and simple....but we tend to forget that its not the rare glimses of fancy artistry, but the mundane tasks which sustains us

Truly Random

Well, its almost two yrs, I had written my last entry....well, I realized that blogging doesn't come to me naturally and probably I cant inhabit the blogosphere!!!

But life's funny....Yesterday, suddenly I wanted to post something...I could not decide on wat....wud it be something on the kind of life I am leading in different research institutes? would i compare kolkata with mumbai and bangalore?? or maybe about diff kinds of ppl here??? or a high fundu writing on Bengal politics!!! I thought hard...no....now these things are not coming naturally...then what...a piece on love??? relations?? something philosophical?? about my photos??? no nothing seems appropriate....
I started reading other's blogs....there are really some gr8 bloggers out there....i felt like copying them, stealing their ideas..well, I know I am good at that :p....but not today....may be later...Once in a while one must be original....and with my rare display of originality I had always achieved the rare taste of success....

Two yrs ago I named this "patterns in randomness" and thus its best I write whatever I feel like typing...and I wont be deleting anything (except 4r spelling and grammatical mistakes) after writing....like I regretted after typing the last line in the previous para..but let it be...anyways I don't have any readers!!!

At this moment I am listening to radiohead (from 1.30 pm) and repeatedly 4 songs (The tourist, paranoid android, exit music, climbing the wall)....i think after pink floyd, its this band whose songs I can go on listening again & again.....i like so many other bands but can't really go on and on like this....in fact nowadays I wont even be listening to floyd so much as I used to do during my 1st-2nd yr....I remember how I could go on and on with the song "welcome to machine".....I know its a passing phase......probably it helps getting disconnected....

Is it that I am easily seduced??? coaxed??? then how have i resisted so many stuffs which others hardly can, when given an opportunity??? or is it that i let that happen??

being rude, ignoring has helped me in so many situations, contexts....but not always...probably this can be a way 4r judging how much value I have given to certain ppl....

I have started talking too much...not too much maybe...but i do speak things which I sud not be speaking of...wat is causing this???? do I crave 4r attention??? do I feel isolated??? am i complete moron??? probably not.... is there a sense of pride....false pride..that whatever u speak, u need not care..is that the case???? do ppl know now how to coax me??? Is it that I am easily seduced??? coaxed??? or is it that i let that happen??....same question???? answers???

I feel like doing something creative...no 'creative' is a wrong word....i thing something unconventional but nice...not repulsive....what can i do....i got ideas but i feel lazy all the time....i got camera....but i don't feel smart when with the camera :( .......i dnt really want to try unconventional stuff with it in front of hundreds of eyes......

Yorke shouting through my headphones..."slow down slow down slow down" maybe be I am typing too fast......i should slow down...or maybe I sud stop...better i close my eyes and enjoy the song....written a lot...it wud be interesting to read all of it in one go......lets see how it looks...watever....i wont be changing anything....

i am having this terrible urge to include one of my pics...maybe i sud always post a pic....lets see which i feel like posting....


I call this pic "ek jhaank ecchedana"....translation maybe something like "flying freely"....
Is this pattern random??? made by free particles??? probably not...they still follow laws...laws of physics...what if newton had not discovered all these laws??? would then they wud have been free???? ;p