Friday, September 11, 2009

Choices or lack of it.....



'Taking sides' is probably synonymous to 'the process of survival'. I need not give extreme examples of war, politics, policies, sacrifices etc., just look at yourself, how you grew up, how you have reached here, all your successes and failures, and everything and anything you remember; and you will see how often you have happily or unhappily taken sides. Think more and you will discover that you have taken sides even without knowing. I don't know whether you agree with me, of course, your experiences may differ. So, let me make it more personal so as to avoid all conflicts and disagreements. Yes, I have made my choice, "I won't be making too many generalizations in this post". Lets see how far I succeed.

Looking back, I must say, I have been sucked into the world of choices and decisions early. Decisions which I didn't want to make. Choices which weren't choices at all. Its unfair to say that life would have been better without those decisions and so called choices, probably life would have been much worse. But that doesn't mean that those were justified. However, it is a mistake to speculate on alternatives and how life would have shaped in their presence, I hardly had alternatives. To be fair, I need to confess, with my kind of mind, conscious, judgmental abilities, I am ill-equipped to make choices or take a strong stance. I am your worst team mate in any debate competition. One sided thinking is so difficult for me. With all those situations, exercising a choice seems like loosing out on something. Something which I value. Even if things turn out so well because of such a decision, sooner or later, the dejection of a choice will come back to haunt me. Best thing for me is to probably not to make a choice at all. Let things flow as it is. But letting things flow itself is a decision. Probably there is nothing called taking no side or being neutral. Neutrality is also a side. Variety of people take this side - People who flourish by remaining neutral, hypocrites, people who don't believe in any of the choices, people who are always in dilemma, people who don't want to lose anything, and there can be many more reasons (which I can't think now). In my case I can think of many situations where I can be fitted into one or more of these categories. But now I only want to think about situations which are less guilt-laden (after all this is a more personal post, I can't be too sarcastic and critical!!!).

People who have the upper hand, people who sort of dominates you (people, authorities or anything) gives you a feeling - "You got a situation, You have to change that, We will help you, Here's are your choices, Feel free to exercise your choice." Wow that sounds so good! Lets dissect each statement. "You got a situation" - Is it? or is it that 'You' got yourself into some mess or maybe you achieve something by changing my situation (something can be mental pleasure or pleasure of authority). or may be yes I am into this situation, but hey, have I asked for your intervention??? "You have to change that" - Ok maybe I am into a mess, maybe I have better opportunities, but do I really want to change it? or maybe I have to change it just because you want it to be changed. Why is it that your suggestions seems like a command? "We will help you" - Thanks, but no thanks. I will certainly ask for your help, when needed. Oh, so if I don't take your help you are going to make this worst, isn't it? Ok then maybe I should take your help. Hey, what kind of help is this? no surely no. I have to? shit. Your help is irreversible isn't it. "Here's are your choices, Feel free to exercise your choice" - Yeah, for some reason I can see only one choice, so technically there's no choice, lets call it fate, fate which you have carefully chosen for me. Ok, sorry, I was being rude, now I can see those choices. Let me take a good look at them. Hmmm. ok. ok. what? Well...ummm...well, why I have to choose one of these? I am sure I can work out to accomodate both. Yes, I can. It is possible. What? I can't? I can , really. oh, so you can't? Authority, ego, ....??? So, what I am I to do? rebel? so that the hands of gods are withdrawn from my head? So, that I am stoned to death? Stoned? how come? I am not in some medieval society. Well, stones made of words which makes your living an impossibilty.
So, in short the choice were the following:-
1) Perish from inside, invisibly but atleast save yourself from social embarrasment and from the rage of the gods upon whom you are dependent.
2) Get burned and stoned. Doesn't matter whether you survive or die. It will feel the same. Held your head high, but only for an instance, for the shame inflicted on you would not let it be so.
1) Survive like a creep, but no one will know.
2) Die with embarrassment.
Some choices..ha....

Later of course, you are on your own. Now you can make your choices. Now you are the free lion, out of your pride, free, ready to take over something new. But, the damage has already being done. Now you have limited thinking and resources, you have been engineered. The best you can do is to keep the process alive. Take decisions and make choices for things you can dominate. And the wheel keeps moving. Create a whirlpool and it will only suck, what else do you expect?

Surely, I am being melodramatic. But that's done on purpose. How else would I describe all these? without being unreal? If I hold on realities of life, how would I convince you that this is what happenning with me and probably with you too. And you won't feel it because mostly these are inflicted by things you believe and love. All these happen to you when you are too busy with seemingly more important things, things which would not matter to you except for the fact they take away your attention and probably pain. Morphine takes away pain, not the injury. Life's not too dramatic, all these things happen in much subtle ways. Things just happen routinely, invisibly encompassing all these dramatic material, just as if it were normal, just like monsoon every year , sundays, festivals, road accidents, terrorist attack.
Everything is normal, not worth suprising us...atleast me. Its about getting into a habit. A habit - for being helpless, being blackmailed- by whoever capable of - parents, friends, relatives, lovers, bosses, government, terrorists, aliens etc; being able to acknowledge the fact that the choices you have taken are not taken because you wanted them but you were compelled to take them. And once this habit becomes a habit, life becomes easy, you appreciate art, sports and any worthy or unworthy thing which must be appreciated to be accepted. This habit slowly and selectively erases memories. And the haunting day dreams becomes infrequent and hopefully vanishes. And with this you get the habit of saying "Life Rocks".

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