Trapped within myself

" Liberated yet? "

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Certain events lead to certain thoughts. Nothing surprising in that. Well, why I need to write something surprising......So, now I am writing this, yet another more personal posts (like the last one)....well, in some sense all the posts have germinated from very personal experiences and feelings but I try to mask them by giving more global appeal!!! But sometimes global thinking becomes synonymous with self thinking....when you can't stop thinking about the events surrounding....chronology of the events doesn't matter...past, present, future all can be served in the same dish......

So, this post is direct consequence of the things happening to me right now, which includes the movie I have just seen and the kind of tune i am listening to....I won't say what are they.....

I am happy with the way I am....yes, reasonably happy....and because being happy is a relative state, I would go on to mention that the way I am is different from what I was before, say during school days and early graduation and yes I am much happier with myself (Doesn't mean I am happier with events surrounding me, but the way I carry myself makes me feel better)....But the problem lies elsewhere...although I am happy, I realize it won't lead me to a happier or equally happy state.....downfall is eminent.....and I need to consider so many things even before deciding whether I have the license to feel happy is amazing......where, when, how this irritating habit came is difficult to point out, however surely it comes as a baggage with all the properties I have acquired which makes be feel better...paradox

Although I feel I am more of 'the lonely kind', One part of me loves being with people, which is ok, however then you need to see yourself from other people's point of view, otherwise u can't be with people (Maybe u can, with practice)...here comes the most depressing part....when I see myself from other's point of view - that includes people who hardly talk to me; what I see is disturbing.......
Everybody has diverse opinion about me...well, I normally pride myself for that...being different for different person....customizable personality...kind of an achievement.....but now it seems opinion about me spans from one extreme to the other...take everyone's opinion, add them and I am almost everything....Most of it is not accidental, but has been built by me...How???? Well, my coldness, being too (over) considerate have contributed to it.....Tell me things which are not true, I won't react!!!! Think whatever you want to, I will rarely correct you....and thus, being nice can bring your downfall....did i say downfall? Why? What's the problem? Well, it makes me too careful and aware of myself all the time.....with every person, I would think 'ok , he/she thinks that about me, so thats how I should behave'.....it makes the head so heavy....and sometimes you think why they think this about you, why can't they think differently, why can't people understand simple things, why blah blah blah........this makes it more difficult, this is rare but potent........Its so difficult to be free...always being aware of others...as if i have caged myself!!!! Sometimes I can even forget who thinks correctly or incorrectly, I have heard about split personality...here I sometimes have multiiple splits!!! Even though I am happy with my present state; happy, free, satisfied...whatever adjective you want to use; but this very thing about me have trapped me somewhere....I can't be free....and i can't break free, as i don't know what to break!!!

So, what now? Nothing.....This is how I am...One thing which holds very true from childhood...lack of objection when it comes to myself....the best thing is to know and realise how am I....then I guess, with practice, disturbances would be disturbed and the peaceful chaotic state of my mind will be restored...........